Homemade Pumpernickel Bread

HOMEMADE PUMPERNICKEL BREAD \ Sarcastic Cooking

So, it is time once again for me to most likely overshare one of my many neuroses with you all. Today, I want to tell you how I talk to my animals. More specifically, how I never really call them by their actual names.

Before I go into this, I want to say one little thing. I am not really posting a Thanksgiving related recipe this week. I figure you guys already have your menu planned out. I could be wrong though. In case you are still struggling for one last dish, check out my new favorite board on Pinterest full of side dish ideas.

Ok, back to my weirdness.

Growing up, I had rabbits. I had rabbits in the way that one would die, and I would be back at the pet store for another one. Just a glutton for punishment, I guess. Why rabbits? Well what would you get if your parents laid down the decree of no cats or dogs?

Rabbits, in case you didn’t know are a lot like cats. They use a litter box. They get hairballs, however cannot cough them up as gracefully as cats do. TMI? Sorry.

I owned in total four rabbits in my life. The last two rabbits were sisters. One belonged to me and one belonged to my brother, Zack. They were labeled as dwarf rabbits. After a few years, they were not dwarf anymore. We had ended up with these two 8-10lb. giant mutant rabbits. And, no, they were not those cute floppy eared rabbits. We named them Audrey and Daisy.

Who names a rabbit after Audrey Hepburn? This girl!

Most often, I found myself calling her chub, though. I mean, this rabbit was seriously 10 pounds! She was gigantic. The crazy thing is that I called her chub so often that she started answering to that instead of Audrey. And my brother’s rabbit, well, I called her bean. Because compared to Audrey, she looked like a little (8 lb.) bean!

Sadly, after 12 years of life, my bunnies passed away. My mom said no more rabbits. So… I went and bought Weezer.

Weezer is called everything from Sneezer or Flea-zer to Weezie or Grumpelstiltskin. And of course, my favorite, pumpernickel. Weezer isn’t really a “good” listener to begin with, so he kind of just comes when he wants to or thinks you have cheese for him (which is good because I don’t have to worry about him not answering to his real name).

Pumpernickel is near and dear to my heart. It is like the amped up cousin of rye bread. I love it sooooo much, just like I love Weezer so much. So, the names are interchangeable in my weird mind.

HOMEMADE PUMPERNICKEL BREAD

I have always wanted to make homemade pumpernickel. I figured since I was courageous enough, and successful in my baking of rye bread, why not go for the pumpernickel!

Homemade Pumpernickel Bread

  • 2 Cups Warm Milk, 110 – 115 degrees F
  • 2 2/3 Teaspoons Active Dry Yeast
  • Pinch of Sugar
  • 3 1/4 Cups Bread Flour
  • 1 1/3 Cups Dark Rye Flour, plus more for kneading
  • 1/2 Cup Corn Meal
  • 1 1/3 Teaspoon Salt
  • 4 Tablespoon Unsweetened Cocoa Powder
  • 1 Heaping Tablespoon Caraway Seeds
  • 2 2/3 Tablespoons Brown Sugar
  • 2 Tablespoons Vegetable Oil
  • 4 Tablespoons Molasses
  1. In a small bowl, combine the warm milk and sugar. Stir to dissolve sugar. Add yeast and let sit for five minutes until the yeast is foamy.
  2. In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the hook attachment, combine the bread flour, dark rye flour, corn meal, salt, cocoa powder, caraway seeds, brown sugar, vegetable oil, and molasses. Knead the dough with the hook set on medium/low speed until the dough starts to come together. Add a heaping spoonful of rye flour at a time until the dough pulls away from the sides of the bowl.
  3. Transfer the dough to a large greased bowl. Turn the dough and flip it over to make sure it is evenly coated in oil. Cover with a kitchen towel and place in a warm place to rise for an hour until doubled in size.
  4. Transfer the dough to a greased bread/loaf pan lined with parchment paper. Cover with towel and allow dough to rise for another half an hour.
  5. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.
  6. Bake bread for 40 minutes until dark and hollow sounding when you tap on it. Remove from pan and transfer to a cooling rack. Slice when completely cooled.
  7. Recipe from [Take A Megabite|http://www.takeamegabite.com/pumpernickel-bread/].
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Comments

  1. This recipe sounds SOOO good. I have been looking for a good pumpernickel recipe for a long time now. The bakery down the street from me sells the most amazing pumpernickel bread and I’ve gotten in a bad habit of buying a loaf or two every week. I’m trying this next weekend!

  2. bahahahaaa I love your nicknames for Weezer! I have many nicknames for Michael…he’s kinda like a pet, right? :P I used to have a bunny and I loved her sooooooooo much and when she died (she was only 2) it totally broke my heart and made me want no more pets. Sad story.

    Happy story: pumpernickel bread! It’s yummy. It smells good. It tastes even better. LOVE IT

  3. Too funny- we never call the pets by their names, and the kids even get weird nicknames. Bean, Biny, Bees, Keen, Bitten, Bat-bat. Try telling the kid nick names from the pet ones! Pumpernickel-butt is a popular one. I’m pretty sure at one point DH has used pumpernickel to describe them all!

  4. The rabbit whisperer is the first thing I thought of when I read this post. I love your dogs name. And, this bread looks wicked good.

  5. HAHA! I can’t decide what I love more – the fact that you named a rabbit Audrey Hepburn or that you nicknamed it Chub. Priceless! LOVE this pumpernickel bread! I want to slather it in butter and all things jam/jelly/honey!

  6. Nicknames for Cora: Shithead. Skank. Pain in the ass. (Are we seeing a theme?)

    Nicknames for Alma: Fatty. Bear (because her stub tail and round butt make her look like a little bear). Bunny (Because she hops like a bunny). Sweet angel.

    Do our kids even stand a chance??? Oops.

    Pass the pumpernickel (dog OR bread, I’ll take both!)

  7. I had bunnies, too! They make great pets :)

    I used to love this kind of bread when I was little, because of some story I read in first grade, and nooone else in my house liked it. So it was a rare treat!

  8. I feel like you are speaking to me right now! I didn’t have bunnies growing up (mom decreed no pets at all). What did I do? As soon as I had an apartment that allowed pets, I got Sir Pugsley. But. . .we call him, the dude, buddy, sir pugs-a-lot, snarls barkley amongst other things.

  9. This post made me laugh. :) Pumpernickel bread is my absolute favorite, I’ve never even attempted to make it at home, but I think I just may have to!! P.S. I like that you skipped the Thanksgiving posts this week!

  10. We call Percy, our cat, Schmudge. I have no idea why. It just happened.

    This pumpernickel looks fantastic! It’s actually been one of my cravings lately, so you’re speaking to my preggo heart — I mean, tummy. :)

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